Talk to Her Mom Blue Jeans and Bling Cake Decorations

MelissaSue

OK.. tell me what you all think..
PLans for my bridal shower have been in the works since June. We decided then to have it at this FANTATIC, somewhat trendy little restaurant called LeMetro. We didn''t really make any offical bookings until just recently.. but we talked to the people several times.. and my sister called about two weeks ago to offically reserve the date (its a wednesday evening, March 15th)..but they didn''t ask for a deposit or anything.. so today, my mother calls me and said she was just talking to my sister who heard from someone "reliable" that they charge a $200 room rental fee.. and that if its true they want to move my shower somewhere else (the place where they want to move it I am absolutely vetoing.. ) So.. I think its a little odd that they never mentioned this to us, so it might not even be true.. but my mom said she wanted to make sure I wouldn''t be "too disappointed".. I basically told her whatever.. I''m not paying for it.. its up to them.. but I think I sort of let her know with the tone of my voice that I wasn''t happy.. but then as soon as I hung up the phone.. I burst into tears.. I REEALLLLY had my heart set on this place. Its one of those restaurants that I LOVE but don''t get to go to that often.. and its just totally what I had in mind for my shower..
Sooooo.. what I did... is call FI and told him to call his mom, who I KNOW will offer to put up the extra money (she is splitting the cost with my mom and my sister anyway) if she knows it will make me happy, because that is how she is, and she especially would if she saw what a craphole their alternate location that they picked was (she is very concerned with appearances, you know.).. I don''t really know what her reaction was yet..THe other possiblity is that she will call the original place and throw a fit that no one mentioned the room rental fee at any point to us..
But.. am I a HORRIBLE person for sort of going behind my mom and sisters backs on this one?

peonygirl

No, I don''t think you''re a terrible person. but is there any way you could have chipped in the extra $200? That''s probably what I would''ve done if it was really important to me, but I don''t know your financial situation.

MelissaSue

Honestly.. no I don''t have the extra $200 to chip in myself (although when I called FI he offered to pay it himself.. even though we really can''t afford it with the new house and everything).. I just took your advice and called and it is indeed $200 for a weekday evening.. So I don''t know what to do. I''m really upset about this.. I am feeling sort of betrayed by my mom and sister.. because
A)the shower is a month away.. we''re doing invitations this week.. they should have known if there was a fee or not before this.. and
B) They KNEW I''d be upset about it... but when they put it on me like that.. what choice do I Have?

I don''t know.. I sort of think now that I''m thinking about it.. that on a menu we got way back when might have said there was a rental fee.. but then my sister lost the menu and when we asked for another one they said they didn''t have any menu.. and I honestly don''t remember what it said..but if it did say something.. then my family really has no excuse.. because they knew about it..

selflove

Well, since we''re being sneaky here....why not lie to the restaurant and tell them you need a dinner reservation for XX people and that you don''t need a separate room. Would that help anything?

Going behind your mother''s back...I think that''s totally forgivable, under the circumstances.

Mara

If I was being a brat and I knew it, then I'd pay the $200 myself if I really wanted it to be held there.

Otherwise, let those who are actually planning the shower for you (and I'm sure it's not easy...as I have planned countless showers myself) and paying for it deal with it and that's it. Is it really about the location or about the shower itself and the people that come to wish you well?

Sometimes I think I must have been a really low-maintenance bride, which is surprising since in general I am pretty HM.

aljdewey

Date: 2/12/2006 8:06:12 PM
Author:MelissaSue
OK.. tell me what you all think..
Sooooo.. what I did... is call FI and told him to call his mom, who I KNOW will offer to put up the extra money (she is splitting the cost with my mom and my sister anyway) if she knows it will make me happy, because that is how she is, and she especially would if she saw what a craphole their alternate location that they picked was (she is very concerned with appearances, you know.).. I don't really know what her reaction was yet..THe other possiblity is that she will call the original place and throw a fit that no one mentioned the room rental fee at any point to us..
But.. am I a HORRIBLE person for sort of going behind my mom and sisters backs on this one?

You're not a horrible person, MS......but I think you handled this badly. I'm sorry, I know it's not what you were hoping to hear, but I have to reply honestly.

If the shoe were on the other foot, how would you feel about someone expecting you to pay $200 you don't have? And it seems very manipulative to phone your FMIL "because you know she'll offer to pay". It seems that getting your way on this is far more important than the feelings of those who are trying to plan this for you.

I personally feel like a shower is a gift from others; not something we have a right or expectation to. Anyone throwing a shower presumably wants to do something the bride will like, but they have to balance that with their financial abilities. If I were one of those throwing the shower in this situation, I'd be extremely hurt and pretty angry at the notion that the location was more important than the thought and being with friends/family. I just think that's ungrateful behavior.

If I were your mom/sister in this situation, I'd be terribly hurt, and I'd likely suggest that you ask your FMIL to plan the entire event since our efforts don't meet your standard. I'm not being judgmental; I'm just telling you how I'd honestly feel in this situation.

I'm sorry....I know it's not what you wanted to hear, but it's what I think. My friend have extremely modest jobs, and I was happy they wanted to do anything at all given their very tight resources. I requested that it be a giftless shower and that we just have dinner together in deference to their financial circumstances. Their company was enough, and it was one of the most memorable evenings I've ever had.

My MOH flew up front VA just to come. My friends here helped her coordinate it. All of my friends spent 7 hours that evening helping my celebrate my impending wedding and telling warm stories and recollections of our friendships over the years leading to that point. That was much more than enough. We could have done a picnic in the park with subs, and I've have been happy just to spend time with them.

monarch64

Sorry, MelissaSue, but while I don''t think you''re a brat at all, I agree with Al... a shower is something traditionally given to you as a surprise, not as part of the wedding of your dreams that you have a say in, IMO. Sometimes it''s hard to be a bride and not want to have input in absolutely everything, but really when it comes to showers, bachelorette parties, etc. you have to step back and relinquish the control. Take whatever you are given and be grateful for it, I think. My MOH was so strapped for cash that the check she wrote us for our wedding gift bounced. I felt so bad for her I never even told her. It was only for $50 and my husband thought it was terrible, but I knew what she had gone through trying to make sure I had a fabulous bach. party and she came to both of my showers and brought great gifts, and she also paid for her dress and shoes (total of $120) and I paid for her updo the day of the wedding.

I hope this doesn''t hurt your feelings at all, I have been following your story and you seem like a wonderful girl. But when you ask for perspective you have to be prepared to hear different opinions, I guess. Does it really matter to you in the grand scheme of things whether you have the PERFECT shower location, or does it matter more that you have friends and family and possibly co workers who want to give you gifts to make your marriage a little sweeter? Is this location possibly a place where you can enjoy future times with your family or husband? I guess I don''t understand your wanting the location just because you don''t get to go there very often...I hope I don''t sound harsh because I don''t mean to...take care!

MelissaSue

No worries, my feelings aren''t hurt. I am being a brat.. Although, I do feel as though my mother and sister are doing a TERRIBLE job with planning this shower..It all should have been set three months ago.. How is it fair for them to want to move the entire shower two days before we''re sending invitations out because they didn''t bother to find out all the details about the place in the 8 months they had from the time we knew where it was going to be til now?

In anycase, after I actually talked to FMIL and she said she''d talk to my mom, I started feeling super guilty, so I went to my mom myself and told her that I really didn''t want to move the shower, and told her I had talked to FMIL. First off all, my mother is either really forgetful or SOMETHING, because she said that she didn''t know that FMIL was paying for a 1/3rd of the shower.. (but I was there when we all discussed it) so maybe the fact that they''re splitting it three ways and not two will ease the burden a little.. My mom said she''d talk about it with my sister, but I think that they won''t move it now.. IF we had more time, I would be willing to work with them to find a place that is mutally acceptable.. but we don''t have the time, they''re going to start addressing invitations tomorrow.. and their alternate idea was completely unacceptable (As ungracious as it may be, I honestly would refuse to invite my friends to such a place for an event)..

Anyway.. thanks for all the input.. like I said.. I know I''m being a total brat about this.. Yeah, I WAS being manipulative.. I''ll admit it.. but I didn''t mean to hurt any feelings.. but, the location IS important to me.. especially since we''d had it planned for SOOOOOOOO long!

Tiffany1976

I agree with Mara MelissaSue, bridal showers are not wedding gifts, and you are not supposed to ask for what you want. I know it''s hard because you had your heart set on something, but you are not even supposed to know about all the details anyway. It''s up to the people throwing it for you, and it''s the gesture that it really important. I think your family might feel really awkward now.

Caribou

I don''t think you are being a brat especially if your mom and sister have been dragging their feet about this whole thing. Hopefully it''s been all straighten out..but if it hasn''t and you really reallly want it there than I would offer to help pay the room rental fee.

Tigerbear

I think it is interesting how bridal shower customs are different in different parts of the country. I have never heard of a mother giving a bridal shower before. I can see how if it is your own mom and sister doing the planning you might expect to have a little more say in how things are run. But beyond that, I think that showers are a gift themselves. I can''t imagine telling my shower hostesses that something isn''t good enough. But then again, they are good friends of mine - not my mom. LOL!

StephanieK

I''m new here but I thought I would add my opinion. Having planned many bridal showers for both family and friends, I have never once had the bride tell me that she was disappointed in the location of the shower. Most were so overjoyed and touched that I took my time, money and effort to throw them a shower that they didn''t care if I threw the shower in someone''s back yard or at the most expensive restaurant in town. Maybe things are different where I live, but the bride is never involved in the shower, and it is considered a faux pax to have your own mother throw one for you. I''ve never heard of anyone complaining about not having their dream shower. I''m sorry but you sound a little selfish, and whether or not your mom and sister planned the shower a year ahead of time or two weeks ahead of time, you should be grateful that you are getting one.

eks6426

This is why bridal showers are supposed to be a surprise...because the friends (or family) of the bride do it out of love and support for the bride. It is not supposed to be something else the bride gets to dictate. I understand the desire to have your shower in a nice place, but the real point is that your friends & family are doing something nice for you. You shouldn''t be getting involved. I don''t intend to be mean...but your job is to just show up and be grateful. You did well though by being honest with your mom. Now, just have some faith in your shower planners and leave them alone!

If you love the restaurant so much, why not have your rehearsal dinner there?

aljdewey

Date: 2/13/2006 6:50:56 AM
Author: MelissaSue
IF we had more time, I would be willing to work with them to find a place that is mutally acceptable.. but we don''t have the time, they''re going to start addressing invitations tomorrow.. and their alternate idea was completely unacceptable (As ungracious as it may be, I honestly would refuse to invite my friends to such a place for an event)..

Find a place that''s mutually acceptable? WOW.

You''re right......it does sound ungracious.

Mara

I actually asked a friend last nite what she thought about a scenario like this and I loved her response so much I figured I''d share it, it just made me laugh......she said ''I could have had my shower in a BARN, it didn''t matter because I was just so excited to see my friends and family''.

I also agree that brides shouldn''t be involved...my girlfriends planned mine, I didn''t know a thing about it, and it was had at my friend''s beautiful house and they did a lovely job with everything and I could not have asked for more. Even just having everyone in one place, my friends from all walks of my life and my Mother and her friends....not everyone would be at our wedding so it was great to have them at the shower. Most of the time it seems to be held at a house, so it almost seems like if it is going to be at a 3rd party kind of place, there has to be some sort of rental fee involved or similar.

And really, I don''t necessarily agree that they should have had this setup months ago....I know showers that have been planned a month or two months or three months before, there''s no real TIMELINE for when it has to be done or thrown etc except ''before the wedding''...so let them plan it the way they will. It sounds like the venue won''t be changed now and I''d be very thankful for that! You got your way.

Jelly

I think the wedding planning/stress is hitting it''s peak right now for you. Try to relax and roll with the punches. For your wedding, things are not going to go exactly how you planned them, and it''s best not to make yourself sick over little imperfections here and there.

Ten years from now, you won''t remember the restaurant at all. You''ll remember the friends you had to share it with and the good times you had together.

MelissaSue

Yeah.. its definitley not unusual here for mothers to plan bridal showers (Even though all the books and stuff say its a faux pas)

I see what you all are saying that its something I''m not supposed to be involved in, but I''ve been involved from the start. My sister and I chose the place together.. They want me to help address the invitations, I had to ask my other bridesmaids to order the door prizes.. because my sister just didn''t want to deal with contacting the others.

You don''t think this all should have been set already when we picked the place and the date in JUNE? So they''ve had 8 months to find out everything and book the shower (Technically the room is booked as of about two weeks ago, but I guess we didn''t put a deposit down yet..).. and now, two days before invitations are getting addressed, they want to change it? I honestly think I have a right to be upset. I never really thought that was what I was being bratty about. The only part I felt bad about is calling my mother in law behind my mom''s back..

And whoever said that its a different situation since my mom is planning it, is right! If my other three bridesmaids were in charge.. it would be different. They don''t have tons of money.. I''m not saying my mom and sister are loaded, but they are certainly in a better financial position than the others. However, they are also more considerate of my feelings and honestly more responsible than my sister and if they had this all planned for so long, they would NOT try to change it on such short notice. I''ve had a lot of issues with my sister as a bridesmaid.. maybe this is an accumulation of all of that..

Jelly

Here''s a story about a shower, but it was a baby shower instead.

Jackie''s baby shower:

My friend Michelle was invited to a baby shower hosted by Jackie''s mom. Jackie contacted Michelle and asked her to be in charge of organizing the games. Okay fine. Jackie called her later and asked her to buy all the door prizes. Umm..okay... Next phone call was asking Michelle to buy the decorations and arrive early to the party to decorate!

Michelle was already a busy gal, going to school, working full time, teaching private music lessons, that it was overloading her. She told her that she couldn''t really afford to buy all the door prizes, decorations, etc. Jackie ignored her concerns and replied "Well, I''m just hoping we get all the gifts on my registry."

Michelle was so disgusted by Jackie''s selfishness that she faked an illness and opted out of the party. She sent a gift by mail and wasn''t interested in being this girls friend anymore.

FireGoddess

First, the place should have been up front about the $200 room rental. That is not cool.

Second, having thrown many showers myself, they cost a lot of money even when there is NO rental fee...food, favors, invitations, gifts, flowers, decorations, etc...I'd be POed to kick in another $200 for NOTHING, and would be mad at someone who felt I had to. I don't know if your bridal party is throwing the shower, but the cost of dresses, shoes, hair and makeup, (possible travel and accomodations) etc on top of shower costs? Not nice to throw in another $200 they may not have.

I don't agree with what you did on this one...but definitely think this fee thing should have come to light waaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy long ago.

Caribou

I don''t think it''s unusual for mother to plan shower either.

I also don''t think it''s uncommon for the brides to be apart of it. I''ll be apart of mine....I mean my MOH and aunts and mom will be involved in the getting it together stuff but they will also involve me. They already have.

And unfortunately not all BM are the best at doing this kind of thing. If that''s the case and you really want a shower I see nothing wrong in planning one for yourself.

Mara

Melissa, sounds there are some definite other issues going on under the scene there...so this may be frustration about other things spilling over and kind of exploding in this particular scenario...but no I don't think it's insane of them to just be finalizing things right now. Sounds like they checked into this a while ago and it was the restaurant who did not tell them that they had to pay this $200 fee...it is not entirely unreasonable of them to think of changing it to save a bit of money, esp since weddings are expensive on everyone involved. They may not have known just how excited you were about it being there. It's also not about what people can afford but maybe there is a reason that the extra $200 was not going to be put up by your Mom or sister that you are unaware of?

I think you should just mentally release the hold on this thing and tell them to handle it themselves as they should be doing. What could be the worst that would happen if you did that? Can you get your friends/bridal party involved more so you can step out? I think unless you are actually planning it yourself entirely, then being a 'backseat planner' can cause even more strife with the relationships, you don't want to look like a bridezilla! Emotions are so high during these times.

It's funny because I really don't know many Mothers who planned the shower, but my Mom was kind of irritated that she wasn't involved with mine. I was like 'well Mom it's the bridal party who does it, not the parents' and she wanted to have a whole separate one (which I have had lots of friends do) but I veto'd it because I felt it was too pretentious to have 2 showers for myself personally and I would rather have had one large one than 2 smaller ones.

leeenie

if this is a restaurant that you LOVE, but isn''t worth the extra $200 to your mother/sister, and you don''t want to pay for it, then why don''t you just save it for a special occasion for you and your fiance/husband? It''s not fair to ask them to pay extra to indulge your whims when showers are a generous gift to begin with.

MelissaSue

Hey girls - Thanks again for being honest. It really does help put things in perspective, although I still don''t think I''m being completely unreasonable. My mom, sister and FMIL have decided to stay with the original place despite the fee. I don''t know if FMIL offered to pay the whole thing, or if just me talking to my mom about it did the trick.. Honestly, if you all had seen how upset I was last night over it, you probably would have given into me too.

I literally was laying on the floor sobbing for about 10 minutes.. and then was crying off and on for the entire night.. I dont'' know why it is so important to me, but it is. I can''t explain it, really..I don''t know if it has more to do with the fact that they were changing it at the last minute, or about the place, or both, or what.. but I just felt completely helpless.. and the only thing I could think of to do is get my FMIL on the case. My mom and sister OFFERED to throw the shower.. and we were all set to have it there.. Like I was saying before, if it were my other bridesmaids, or if was me throwing the shower and I had it all planned, I''d find a way to have it there! I don''t know.. I understand they didn''t know about the extra cost.. but WHY didn''t they know? I was even talking to my mom about it and she agrees that my sister is NOT doing good with this, and she says she wishes she had done it all herself. And if it was my mom doing it all by herself it would have been a more modest shower at a less expensive place all along.. and that would have been fine.. but my sister offered to have it at THIS place..we all knew it wasn''t cheap..my sister doesn''t do things cheap (she has plenty of jeans and shoes that cost more than the room rental fee). but that is what they offered to do for me. Its not my fault that my sister is not responsible enough to find out all the details.. Can''t anyone see how I would be angry?

In anycase.. its all resolved now.. invitations are going out tomorrow.. just as planned.

flopkins

Ok I''m late on this but I agree w/Al... I think you shouldn''t have gone to your FMIL, but I guess you got what you wanted anyway so it doesn''t matter.

What I think DOES matter is that I feel from your posts that the anger/disappointment in this situation was precipitated from your feelings about your sister as a BM and how she is not doing as much as she ought to (At least from your perspective) and I think you should talk to her and straighten this out before it builds up more restentment.

And yes, it sucks that the restuarant didn''t make it clear that there was a fee but that isn''t uncommon IMO.

JessesGrl

My mom PAID for my shower because my girls were all in their early twenties and teens ( sisters of groom, cousins) and all the girls were at weird points in their life. My MOH and BM''s collected money and bought me 8 place settings worth of the china I registered for, they also organized the shower games. My mom chose the location and did not include me, it was supposed to be a suprise (the day and place) but I figured it out a few weeks before...however I acted suprised and was actually shaking at the overwhelming love that hit me when I walked it. It was a brunch located at a restraunt on a local gold course. The view was beautiful and the place was moderate. My mom paid about 1,000 for 35 people...I had told her to just have it in the yard..I would have been just as happy. My shower was on July 23rd, my mom planned it about 2 months before ( ordered invites, ect...)
I think you are becoming a bridezilla and I mean that in a loving, ex-bridezilla way. When you become so overwhelmed and crazy ( and yes crying on the floor for 10 minutes about your shower local is crazy) you are setting yourself up for disapointment. Nothing is PERFECT.. everything will work out, just enjoy this time w/o obsessing to the point that you are overlooking what should be some of the best days of your life.

Mara

"When you become so overwhelmed and crazy ( and yes crying on the floor for 10 minutes about your shower locale is crazy) you are setting yourself up for disapointment."

I have to admit I thought the crying on the floor thing about the shower really funny and crazy at the same time!! Don''t become bridezilla, MS!

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